"It's not me, it's my behaviour!"

Not only is it the beginning of the school year for my son, it's also the beginning of the school year for me (as a part-time professor). I am very fortunate to teach something that I am absolutely passionate about - child development. While teaching today, we spent a lot of time talking about behaviour and how we communicate with children about negative behaviours. I have had countless experiences in the past with people referring to a children who are "bad". Generally speaking, when someone positions a child this way, I understand that they are actually referring to a behaviour rather then the child as a whole. However, this semantic translation could easily be lost on a different audience (e.g. a child, a mother, etc.). When children engage in a negative behaviour, it is important to tell them that you're disappointed in their behaviour, not them. If children understand that their behaviour is negative, they can change it. However, if they believe that you're disappointed in them, they can feel shameful and think that something is wrong with them.

I've always made a point of emphasizing this with my older son, Alex, but I'm not sure he grasped the concept at first. One day, shortly after having my second son, Jacob, we were driving home from my mom's. In the rear-view mirror, I could see Alex poking Jacob. I asked him to stop, but he waited until he thought I couldn't see him anymore and then he started poking faster. At that point, I said "Alex, you need to stop hurting your brother" to which he replied "it's not me, it's my behaviour!". Needless to say, I had to clarify what I meant when I say that I'm disappointed in his behaviour... Once kids do understand the concept, it can be an effective way of communicating your disappointment without making your child feel bad about themselves.

Julie