Wednesday 31 October 2012

Happy Halloween!

How could I possibly write a blog about parenting without talking about Halloween! If your kids are like mine, they barely slept last night and jumped out of bed this morning (if only every morning could be so easy, sigh…). Although Halloween is an exciting time for children, it can also be very scary.  I can still remember one year, when I was about 5, we were trick or treating in our neighbourhood when I heard scary music in the background.  I had no idea where it was coming from (I know now that it was my neighbour playing it on a tape recorder –remember those?! ). But when I was 5, it was incredibly scary for me because I couldn’t understand what was going on.  When young children have gaps in their understanding (e.g., I hear strange music, but I don’t know where it’s coming from or why it’s being played), they try to figure it out themselves.  Sometimes that can lead to additional fear and anxiety (e.g., maybe I hear that music because the house next door is haunted). However, if we can help them fill in the gaps, it can help reduce anxiety.  If your children look scared tonight, take a moment to explain what they’re seeing.  If your children are older, have them explain it to you and help them out if necessary.  Without explanation, the child may feel a negative reaction (fear, anxiety, etc.).  The reaction may not be immediate and it may actually be expressed before bed or even during their dreams!  More to come on dreams and night terrors in the next blog entry…  Until then, have a safe and happy Halloween!
Julie

Friday 26 October 2012

Convince Me!

When children are young, we make decisions for them.  However, over time, we want them to be capable of making decisions by themselves.  How do children learn to make sound decisions?  We teach them!  When you make a decision for your child, explain to them why you’ve come up with your decision.  For example, “you can’t stay up later because you’ll be too tired for school tomorrow and you won’t be able to focus”, or “sure, you can have a small dessert because you’ve already given your body some good food”. As children get older, ask them to explain to you why decisions are made (e.g., “why do you think you need to do your homework?”). Early in my Ph.D., I attended a lecture by Barbara Coloroso and I learned a technique that I still use today. Although she may have labeled it differently, I call it “convince me”.  This technique is appropriate for older children and teens, and it is a great way to help kids develop their reasoning skills. When children ask you for something reasonable, say “convince me”.  The child then has to think about reasons why the parent should give them permission to do what they’re asking.  Here’s an example:
Teen: mom, can I go to the community centre this Saturday for the Halloween dance?
Mom: Convince me
Teen: All of my friends will be there
Mom: That’s not a good enough reason.  Tell me more.
Teen: All of my friends are going to be there and I know it will be so much fun.
Mom: Tell me more
Teen: It’s also in a safe place and there will be adults supervising the dance.
Mom: I’m convinced.  I will drive you and pick you up.
Although this is an amazing technique to help children and teens develop reasoning skills, I wouldn’t recommend doing it unless you know the answer will be yes.  Therefore, if it is an unreasonable request (e.g., your 11-year old asks to sleep over at her friend’s house because her parents will be away for the weekend), you need to make the decision for them and explain your answer. However, if the request is reasonable and age appropriate, having older children and teens think about the reasons they should be able to do something allows them an opportunity to practice their reasoning skills in a safe place (with you there to support them).  After doing this for years, you’ll feel confident that they will know how to make a sound decision when they’re on their own.  

Tuesday 23 October 2012

Play Time And Time For Play

One of the most significant things kids do is play.  Play is so important because it allows children an opportunity to develop and practice their language skills, motor skills, social skills and creativity. Although our days are already jammed pack with school, homework, supper and after school activities, it is also really important to make time for play.  In addition to the developmental advantages play offers, it is also a really good way to connect with your child. Taking a few minutes every day to play with your child has been shown to help build a secure attachment. It can also help reduce negative behaviours. However, there are a few things you need to consider in order to have the most successful play experience with your child.
1.       Set aside some time a daily basis.  Studies have shown that as little as 10 minutes is needed to help build attachment.
2.       Make it one-on-one. If you have more than one child, it would be easier to play with all of your children at the same time. However, it is important for each child to get some individual time.
3.       Let your child choose the game.  Although it is tempting to structure their activities, it is important to let them choose the game.  Not only will it help develop their confidence, it will also show your child that your interest in him is genuine.
4.       Let your child lead.  We spend a lot of time teaching our children.  We label things, explain how things work and help them understand concepts.  Although educating our children is important, children also need time to just play.
5.       Get on the floor next to your child. If you’re not beside your child, you are not really engaged.  You’re more of an observer.  Being on the floor next to your child allows you to be completely hands-on.
6.       Have fun!  When was the last time you were able to escape your world and play? Not only will you get to see the world through your child’s eyes, you may also have a little fun yourself.
Although it is extremely difficult to fit one-on-one playtime into your day, it may actually take less time than correcting a negative behaviour.  Children will look for attention any way they can, even if the attention they’re getting is negative.  If your child has figured out that the only way he can get your full attention is to climb on the counter or throw things on the ground, you’ll be spending a lot of time disciplining.  However, if your child learns that he will have your individual attention on a daily basis, his negative behaviours may decrease.  Try it consistently for a week and see for yourself!