Convince Me!

When children are young, we make decisions for them.  However, over time, we want them to be capable of making decisions by themselves.  How do children learn to make sound decisions?  We teach them!  When you make a decision for your child, explain to them why you’ve come up with your decision.  For example, “you can’t stay up later because you’ll be too tired for school tomorrow and you won’t be able to focus”, or “sure, you can have a small dessert because you’ve already given your body some good food”. As children get older, ask them to explain to you why decisions are made (e.g., “why do you think you need to do your homework?”). Early in my Ph.D., I attended a lecture by Barbara Coloroso and I learned a technique that I still use today. Although she may have labeled it differently, I call it “convince me”.  This technique is appropriate for older children and teens, and it is a great way to help kids develop their reasoning skills. When children ask you for something reasonable, say “convince me”.  The child then has to think about reasons why the parent should give them permission to do what they’re asking.  Here’s an example:

Teen: mom, can I go to the community centre this Saturday for the Halloween dance?

Mom: Convince me

Teen: All of my friends will be there

Mom: That’s not a good enough reason.  Tell me more.

Teen: All of my friends are going to be there and I know it will be so much fun.

Mom: Tell me more

Teen: It’s also in a safe place and there will be adults supervising the dance.

Mom: I’m convinced.  I will drive you and pick you up.

Although this is an amazing technique to help children and teens develop reasoning skills, I wouldn’t recommend doing it unless you know the answer will be yes.  Therefore, if it is an unreasonable request (e.g., your 11-year old asks to sleep over at her friend’s house because her parents will be away for the weekend), you need to make the decision for them and explain your answer. However, if the request is reasonable and age appropriate, having older children and teens think about the reasons they should be able to do something allows them an opportunity to practice their reasoning skills in a safe place (with you there to support them).  After doing this for years, you’ll feel confident that they will know how to make a sound decision when they’re on their own.