The Power of Choices

Has something like this ever happened to you:

Parent: want to wear this to school?

Child: No!

Parent: Please wear this to school!

Child: I said NO!

Parent: You have to wear this to school, so put it on!

Child gets upset and cries

Parent feels frustrated and upset

If you’re like most parents, you can probably relate to this situation and you may have had a similar experience.  It’s wonderful that you’re asking your child for his opinion.  However, when you ask your child a yes/no question, you’re leading him to believe that he has complete control over the situation (which usually isn’t the case…). Instead of asking a yes/no question, try giving him choices.  For example, instead of saying “do you want to brush your teeth today?” try saying “do you want to use your Spiderman toothbrush or the red one?” Instead of saying “do you want to wear this today?” try asking your child “do you want to wear the blue t-shirt or the orange one?”  Giving your child choices will help him develop a sense of confidence as he feels responsible for some of the decisions in his life. Choices will also help reduce some of the unnecessary battles. Although this is a technique that can be used for toddlers, you can actually use this technique with older children and teens as well!  In fact, it is actually a common sales technique – do you want to come in tomorrow morning or afternoon?

This technique is so effective that your kids might catch on…  Just ask my best friend Julia.  Her adorable (and very smart!) 3-year-old daughter, Maddy, decided to use this technique when she was upset. Maddy gave Julia 2 choices: she could either stomp her feet or cry like a baby! Needless to say, Julia was completely caught off guard.  Thankfully, this technique usually leads to more positive outcomes!

Labelling Emotions

Saturday night, my niece Natasha got married.  Natasha is a very relaxed, easy going and gentle human being.  She also loves children!  Therefore, children were not only asked to attend the wedding, she also included all the children in the ceremony.  She and her (now) husband got married in a beautiful old house.  Most of the celebration was downstairs; however, the children had a playroom upstairs complete with an Early Childhood Educator to provide them with entertainment.  Needless to say, the kids loved it and had a blast.  As the night went on, the fatigue became apparent.  When one child was coming down the stairs, he slid and almost fell.  At that point, I decided that it was time for Alex to stay close to me and not return upstairs. After a few minutes, Alex tried to sneak back upstairs to see his friends.  When he looked down to see if I could see him, he saw me looking at him.  I didn't show any emotion on my face, I simply looked at him.  He immediately turned around and started coming down the stairs, making his way toward me.  As he was coming down, he said "what, are you angry, sad or frustrated?"  My cousin Cheryl was standing right beside me and we both started laughing. Cheryl said "I guess he needs to know exactly where you stand before he comes down".

Aside from the fact that it was quite humorous to hear a 6-year old say something like that, I also was very impressed with his ability to differentiate between similar emotions. We have been labelling emotions since he was a toddler and I can see how helpful it is today.  Helping children label their emotions allows them to communicate exactly what they're feeling instead of demonstrating them in a maladaptive (negative) way.  Consider this- when a child is upset, he gets an overwhelming and intense physical sensation in his body.  When this happens, the child needs to release that energy.  If a child does not have the words to express how he feels, he can become aggressive, throw himself on the ground or start crying uncontrollably.  However, if a child knows how to label his emotions, he can tell an adult what's going on so that the adult can help him through the emotion. The best way to teach children to understand their emotions is by labelling their emotions for them.  When your 2-year old starts crying because she can't find her favourite doll, you can say "you're so sad". When your 5-year old tries putting 2 pieces of lego together and the pieces don't connect properly, you can say "you look frustrated". Although it's important to label negative feelings, it's also important to label the positive ones so that they're aware of the good things they feel as well. 

Another way to help your child label their emotions is by having drawings with faces expressing different emotions readily available.  When you see that your child is feeling an emotion, you can take out the chart and ask them to point to the face that demonstrates how they're feeling.  Younger children could have a choice between a few different faces (happy, sad, angry, scared, and excited).  However, older children can have more faces with more complex emotions (frustrated, enthusiastic, empathetic, envious, jealous, etc).

If you introduce this concept early and frequently, labelling emotions will become second nature to your child. Warning: he might surprise you when he helps you label your own emotions. Even if he's only 6! 

"It's not me, it's my behaviour!"

Not only is it the beginning of the school year for my son, it's also the beginning of the school year for me (as a part-time professor). I am very fortunate to teach something that I am absolutely passionate about - child development. While teaching today, we spent a lot of time talking about behaviour and how we communicate with children about negative behaviours. I have had countless experiences in the past with people referring to a children who are "bad". Generally speaking, when someone positions a child this way, I understand that they are actually referring to a behaviour rather then the child as a whole. However, this semantic translation could easily be lost on a different audience (e.g. a child, a mother, etc.). When children engage in a negative behaviour, it is important to tell them that you're disappointed in their behaviour, not them. If children understand that their behaviour is negative, they can change it. However, if they believe that you're disappointed in them, they can feel shameful and think that something is wrong with them.

I've always made a point of emphasizing this with my older son, Alex, but I'm not sure he grasped the concept at first. One day, shortly after having my second son, Jacob, we were driving home from my mom's. In the rear-view mirror, I could see Alex poking Jacob. I asked him to stop, but he waited until he thought I couldn't see him anymore and then he started poking faster. At that point, I said "Alex, you need to stop hurting your brother" to which he replied "it's not me, it's my behaviour!". Needless to say, I had to clarify what I meant when I say that I'm disappointed in his behaviour... Once kids do understand the concept, it can be an effective way of communicating your disappointment without making your child feel bad about themselves.

Julie

A rewarding sleep experience...

With the beginning of the school year, comes a re-integration of routine…  Summer is usually filled with adventures, social activities and late nights.  Although these make for wonderful memories, it would be difficult to sustain this lifestyle all year long, especially for children. One of the most asked questions I get about routine is sleep.  I wish I had the answers to solve all the sleep problems, but I don’t. However, I can offer some recommendations that might help improve the situation.

Just before the weekend, someone asked me about bed time routines for a 2 and a half year old (getting him to stay in bed) so I thought I would share my response. Believe it or not, some 2 year olds respond really well to sticker charts! I did this with my oldest son and it worked really well. However, it is important that the technique be done properly in order to be effective. If your child is verbal and can articulate what he likes, ask him to choose something special to do with you (a special park, the dollarstore, a special movie night at home with parents, etc.). If he can't express what he likes, choose something he really likes and tell him he's working to get that. Then, in his room, put up a chart with 2 big squares (you can actually start with 1 square if bedtime routine is really difficult). Explain to him that if he stays in bed until tomorrow morning, he gets a sticker. Once he has 2 stickers, he gets the special outing (or whatever he chose). He may not stay in bed the first night, or the second night. If he doesn't, just say "no sticker today because you didn't stay in bed. Maybe tomorrow". Eventually, your child will catch on. The point is to reward the positive behaviour, but not punish a negative behaviour. You're basically leaving it up to him to get his reward. Once he gets 2 stickers, start a new chart with 3 stickers. You can do this until your child has mastered bedtime and you can then move on to another behaviour.

This is just one example that I have used in the past.  I'd love to hear what others are doing to ensure their family is sleeping like a baby/toddler/preschooler :)

Julie

New (School) Year Resolution

Although the new year officially starts in January, I, like a lot of parents, tend to think about the new year starting in September when the kids go back to school. So, I am taking this opportunity to make a new years resolution - to start keeping track of anecdotes related to psychology. I think this would be valuable for two reason: 1) to actually remember cute stories! and 2) because I've promised some friends I would share stories that help them understand basic psychology techniques. So, here I am, actually following through with my resolution! Since school is starting, I thought it would be appropriate to begin my blog with that topic. Many children get nervous before starting school, even if they've been going to the same school since JK. This is completely normal! The unknown is always a little scary. Since kids often struggle to articulate their feelings, their anxiety may be expressed in other ways. For example, they may feel sick to their stomach, they may not sleep well, they may become more whiny than usually, or they may seek comfort from their favorite toy or blanket. It is important for kids to try to verbalize what's going on for them so that we can actually help them get over their fears. This is a skill they need to learn and doesn't come naturally to most kids. Once they can label their emotions, we can also help them challenge their negative thoughts. This means that we get them to argue against their unhelpful thoughts. We have been working with my 6-year old son Alex on labelling and challenging his negative thoughts for a while. When he was really little and got nervous, he would hide behind me and stop talking. Although he still does this when he gets really scared, he now has the vocabulary to articulate what he's feeling (which makes our job as parents much easier!). Here's an example of the progress he's made. I was walking with Alex to school (he started Grade 1 this year). Right before we got to the school yard, he stopped dead in his tracks and said "mama, I'm having a negative thought". "What is your negative thought?" I asked. "Kids won't want to play with me". I then asked him what he should do, to which he replied "I'm really struggling to challenge this one" (referring to the technique of challenging negative thoughts). "Maybe I should take a deep breath first" he said. Little did I know, an acquaintance of mine was following us and overheard our whole conversation. Needless to say, she burst out laughing and told my son that he had better coping skills than most adults she knows. Despite the fact that my 6-year old was using psych lingo in his every day vocabulary (a tell tale sign that he is the offspring of a psychologist...), he was demonstrating a skill that any child can practice and use routinely- becoming aware and challenging negative thoughts. It is important to help children understand why they're feeling scared or anxious. Once you understand their concern, you can help them by saying "a lot of kids worry about that". Then help them challenge their thought by saying "kids love playing with you". For older kids, you can also ask "what would your best friend tell you?". This will allow them to start challenging their negative thoughts on their own. The point is to have children recognize that their thoughts are normal (all kids have negative thoughts at some point), but not necessarily accurate. Doing this is a first step to getting over common fears and/or anxiety.

Julie